


A Cry From a Wounded Soul

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Cumshot, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mild Gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-29
Updated: 2011-04-29
Packaged: 2017-12-05 13:24:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/723775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It hurt him. It hurt him every single time he had to sit there and watch while the man he loved and adored found another meaningless fuck and screwed their brains out in the men's restroom. It hurt him every time that he tried to open his mouth and tell Kaoru how he felt. And it hurt him even more when he actually dropped some form of hint and Kaoru brushed it off like he didn't mean it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Cry From a Wounded Soul

**Author's Note:**

  * For [edgey_berzerker](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=edgey_berzerker).



> Comments: For [](http://edgey-berzerker.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://edgey-berzerker.livejournal.com/)**edgey_berzerker** from my drabble meme.  
>  Beta Readers: kismekilmeluvme, gothic_hime

It hurt him. It hurt him every single time he had to sit there and watch while the man he loved and adored found another meaningless fuck and screwed their brains out in the men's restroom. It hurt him every time that he tried to open his mouth and tell Kaoru how he felt. And it hurt him even more when he actually dropped some form of hint and Kaoru brushed it off like he didn't mean it. There were nights in which Kyo thought that his heart was a useless object that he simply wished to rip from his chest and toss away into the rubbish can. But the truth of the matter was, he couldn't part with the feelings. They were too deep-seated, too rooted in everything he did every single day, and too much a part of who he was to pull them away. It was as if the simple affection for Kaoru had sprouted vine-like fingers and burst out from his heart, attaching to every single organ inside his body. If he pulled free his heart, he'd pull free the rest and be left a bloody, empty shell, dying on the floor.

There were days he could deal with what was happening and then there were days where he felt like the whole world was collapsing down on top of him. Tonight was one of the latter. He sat in the very back of the tour bus, his knees drawn to his chest and his head mostly bowed, though his dark eyes were on Kaoru's form as he flitted around the aisle, putting things away and cleaning up the messy area just a little bit. It wasn't unusual for Kyo to be like this: watching from afar in a manner that could imply he wasn't. It was how he got by without being too obvious, without anyone making any comments on how smitten he was. Mentally, he counted it off. Five. Five years he'd been so head-over-heels in love with Kaoru that he couldn't look at him without feeling his heart jump in his chest. And five. Five years he'd been in agony every moment, just knowing he wasn't ever going to get the man he wanted.

His feet scraped over the floor, shoes making a little sound on the slightly gritty surface as he pulled his legs closer, tucking his head down against his knees when he felt the unwanted emotions well up inside him. He was supposed to be strong, supposed to be the one who wasn't going to cry at the drop of a hat, who wasn't ever going to be in love because he had no heart to give. But the truth was, under the outer shell, he was perhaps more delicate than any of them. More easily hurt and more easily influenced by simple emotion.

Swallowing thickly, he squeezed his eyes shut and prayed that would help him keep the tingling flood of emotion from pouring out from his eyes. He was stronger than that and he knew it. But when he kept things inside too long, they tended to try to come back to bite him in the ass with overly emotional displays, and he knew it. He let out a little huff of annoyance and curled his arms tighter around his thighs, squeezing himself as small as he could for the time being.

About a minute and a half passed before something touched his shoulder. Jumping, he let out a startled cry and jerked upright. Tears he'd been trying to hold back immediately loosed themselves down his cheeks and his throat constricted as his eyes took in the form in front of him. Long, tattooed arms, scruffy beard, worn tour t-shirt, and then that hawkish nose and kind eyes. Why was it that his luck was simply that shitty? The very man he was trying so hard to squeeze out of his heart at least enough to be able to sleep tonight just _had_ to come and interrupt his pitiful moment of shame. Quickly, he swiped the tears from his cheeks, looking more angry than anything else as he did it.

Thankful that more did not come, he snorted back the snot that wanted to drip out from him feeling sorry for himself and he twisted his shoulder away from the touch there, trying to push out enough hostility to get Kaoru to just go away and never open his mouth.

But he was shit out of luck in that department. A moment passed and then Kaoru's hand clamped on his shoulder and his face leaned in closer. "Kyo, please tell me what's going on. You've been really out of it for months now and it's really starting to worry me."

Kyo winced and looked down, shrugging and then crossing his arms over his chest, shoving his feet out and intentionally half-kicking one of Kaoru's shoes in an attempt to make him move without having to tell him to leave. That didn't work either, unfortunately for him. Another sigh huffed out from his nose and he shrugged again.

Kaoru still didn't move, his eyes leveled on Kyo's face, concern written across his own. "I know you have to understand at least some of it. I want to help with whatever it is. Please?"

For the first time in all five years of this agony, Kyo just couldn't stop his mouth from opening and letting out at least a small portion of what he was feeling. "Unless you're willing to supply a little help of a different kind, then I suggest leaving me the fuck alone," he spat out, his voice filled with venom.

"And what kind of help would that be?" Kaoru asked, ever the oblivious one.

Kyo's laugh was bitter, obviously not one built from any kind of humor or amusement. He sat there for a moment and simply contemplated how he could go about telling Kaoru that he needed affection, warmth, a kindness that only a lover could give. He didn't want to say those things out loud. It wasn't _him_ to do so. Swallowing thickly, he chose to stare down at his lap. After a moment, he just went for it, reaching up and grabbing the front of that worn t-shirt and yanking Kaoru close. His lips pressed firmly over the other man's, his tongue immediately snaking out and trying to press between those lips, just wanting a taste before he knew he'd be shoved away. He wasn't Kaoru's type. Hell... he wasn't even Kaoru's proper gender for a sexual exploit. And he knew he was betraying a hell of a lot in just doing this, but he really couldn't find the focus to give a flying shit right then.

After a moment of battling with Kaoru's closed mouth, he gave up, shoving him back a little and retreating back to his crossed arms, bowed head and mostly curled up form. Horror started to well up inside him and he tried to believe he'd just done what he had, confusion written all over his face.

Kaoru, on the other hand, just stared at him in intense confusion. A few moments passed and finally, he shifted himself to sit next to Kyo, his hand on the other man's knee. "Okay, please explain that to me. Forgive me for being lost, but I don't have a clue what the hell that was all about."

"What are you, fucking stupid?" Kyo shot back, immediately regretting the harsh words, even as they left his mouth. Sometimes he had a tendency to speak without thinking, spitting out words that most people filtered out before opening their mouths. When Kaoru didn't respond, Kyo just took it to mean that he was used to such things and didn't take it personally. His head thunked back against the wall and he closed his eyes, battling with a thousand different emotions as he thought on the one-sided kiss. It wasn't what he'd ever imagined and it certainly wasn't something that would keep him happy alone at night. Rather, it was already haunting him. A mistake that hung over his head like a giant mark on the chalkboard of life that told him he'd fucked up. The buzz of emotion traveled through him once again and he finally whispered out, "I'm sorry."

Kaoru's hand squeezed his knee, the guitarist turning his head to look over at him, studying him for a long moment. "It's been eating you alive, Kyo. I can see it and it bothers me." He didn't ask him to tell him, didn't bother with such things because he knew it would make no difference and Kyo was well aware that that was the case.

The vocalist's shoes scraped over the ground again and his arms went back to looping under his thighs, holding on tight as he stared off into nowhere. His eyes were glassy with unshed tears and intense emotion. And when he spoke, his voice was laced with both adoration and pain. "I have feelings I can't get rid of, that I can't fight and I can't kill." He just paused there for a long time, waiting on Kaoru to say something, anything. But he didn't. Not a single word, not even a look that urged him to continue on. It was as if he knew that Kyo needed to do this himself, on his own terms, and he didn't want to interfere with that.

The minutes passed by and finally Kyo muttered out, "All I actually ask for is someone to hold, to make me feel like I mean something." He still didn't look at Kaoru, didn't actually say what he was thinking. If those words had come out it would have been something about loving him with every fiber of his being and craving him so desperately that he couldn't even get off without thinking about him, and only him, anymore. But he didn't say it, didn't even really imply it. That would have been too much for anyone to understand and take in all at once. Even Kyo himself had trouble understanding it all, and he was the one feeling it.

"You mean you want a lover?" Kaoru asked, his hand idly playing with Kyo's track pants, plucking at the fold in the fabric over his kneecap.

Kyo gave a single nod. "It's been so long..." he trailed off, not really telling how long it had been. But if anyone had been paying attention they'd know it had been far before he ever developed these feelings for Kaoru. Eight, maybe nine years since he'd felt the touch of another. It was both his shame and his pride. Shame because he felt like he wasn't worth anyone's time for even a simple fuck. And pride because he had been able to go so long before finding the end of his rope. But now he sat here with the end dangling between his mental fingers and he found it frayed and lacking. And now he felt like he was falling, as if he'd jumped off the top of the highest building and was simply waiting to die at the bottom.

"And you want it to be me?" Kaoru finally voiced, sounding a little bit unsure.

"Maybe you aren't so stupid." Kyo finally glanced over at him, his eyes already looking pained. He was just waiting on rejection now, waiting to be told he wasn't what Kaoru looked for in a lover, that he was the wrong gender and the wrong personality, and that even if he was a woman with supple breasts and a moist vagina that, even then, Kaoru wouldn’t take him. But those words never came out of Kaoru's mouth. In fact, nothing really did. Just one moment Kaoru was sitting there looking thoughtful and the next moment, he was standing up, holding his hand out to Kyo with a determined look on his face.

Maybe it was that Kaoru never let something he could solve go unsolved. Or maybe it was that he felt as band leader he had some obligations that he maybe wouldn't enjoy fulfilling that he had to anyway. But whatever it was, Kyo couldn't bring himself to honestly care. He just placed his hand in Kaoru's and allowed himself to be lead to the little partitioned off bed in the back where they all took turns sleeping at when they felt too cramped in the bunks. Kaoru urged him toward the bed and then pulled the partition, clicking the little lock shut and drawing the curtain over the single window there. Then he was removing his clothing, first the t-shirt, then his boots, and finally his jeans, revealing that he had obviously not done laundry in a while since he wasn't wearing any underwear.

Kyo felt like he was living in some fantasy world he'd dreamed up. Only his sick mind could put him through hell and then give him sexy, naked Kaoru that was obviously about to fuck him. That had to be the explanation. Despite the fact that Kaoru's cock wasn't the way he had imagined in the past. He was cut, which was a surprise to Kyo's mind, and even the way he started to stroke himself into hardness was different than the past dreams and fantasies he'd had. But despite all of that, Kyo tugged off his own white t-shirt and shoved his track pants and boxer briefs down his legs, kicking them off into the floor. Shifting around on the bed, he grabbed the emergency box of condoms and lube from the little cubby in the wall, tugging out one condom and then putting it aside. He tossed the box back and opened the lube, spreading his legs and squirting lube on his fingers, reaching down to start to prep himself, a determined look on his face.

A few moments passed before he felt a hand around his wrist and he watched as Kaoru pulled his fingers away, giving him a tissue to wipe his hand on before he took over the job, smearing two fingers with lubricant and gently probing at Kyo before slipping one finger inside. "Relax." Kyo's hips shifted and he made an odd face, not used to someone else touching him like this. But he shifted back, leaning on his elbows and watching as Kaoru went about prepping him, even pushing his fingers up to find his prostate once before he slipped out. Kyo's head tilted back and he let out a moan, unafraid of making noise since this was all in his head. He was just having a wonderful dream, one that filled him with pleasure and was sure to make him have to change his underpants once he was awake again. He'd just fallen asleep somewhere in the midst of feeling sorry for himself, that was all.

The sound of foil ripping greeted his ears and then the slick sound of a condom being rolled on. Kyo's cock was already fully hard, twitching slightly with anticipation as he waited on Kaoru's cock to penetrate him. His legs spread willingly and he wrapped them around Kaoru's waist once he was shifted into place by the other man. The warmth of Kaoru's dick pressed against his hole and he arched up toward it, a sigh of contentment leaving him as Kaoru started to push in. Warm cock filled him and it made him feel tight, pleasured in a way his dreams usually didn't manage to grasp. And then Kaoru was moving, his hips thrusting just enough to push him a few inches in and out of Kyo's body with each time. It wasn't a quick fuck, and it didn't feel like something someone would do begrudgingly. Kyo let himself fall into it, his mind wandering over the possibilities that in this dream, maybe Kaoru held feelings for him as well.

The pleasure built inside him, ramping up higher and higher until he felt ready to burst just from the slow, gentle thrusts of it all. And when finally Kaoru sank all the way in, changing the position to rub the head of his dick over Kyo's prostate, the vocalist couldn't hold back a single cry of pleasure. His own hips moved to help, his fists wrapped tightly in the sheets at his sides, head thrashing from side to side as he felt the last shreds of control slip through his fingers. Then Kaoru's hand was around his dick, stroking him in opposition to the thrusts he was making into his body, and tossing Kyo violently over the edge. His dick swelled that last tiny bit and then he was gone, screaming as he spurted his hot release out over his own abdomen, making a complete mess of it as his balls emptied themselves.

A few more thrusts, slightly harder than the ones before them, and then Kaoru buried himself in Kyo, staying still as his cock throbbed deep inside the other man. Kyo's thighs tightened around him and he held on for dear life, not wanting to wake up just yet, wanting to cling to this moment of bliss for as long as he could pretend it actually existed.

When he finally relaxed, Kaoru slipped out and discarded the condom, moving to clean Kyo up with the wet wipes from the cubby, wiping off his dick as well. Settling down beside Kyo, he automatically wrapped his arms around the vocalist, and he wasn't honestly surprised when Kyo attached to him with both arms and legs and then quietly began to cry. He just stroked his back, occasionally sifting his fingers through his hair. Almost an hour passed before Kyo choked out, "I wish I wouldn't ever wake up."

Confusion wrote itself over Kaoru's face and he gently tipped up Kyo's face, forcing him to look at him. "You're not sleeping, Kyo."

Kyo's eyes swam with remnants of tears and utter confusion. Blinking a few times causing the tears to run down his cheeks, he whispered, "W-what?"

"What made you think you were dreaming?"

"I..." Kyo just stopped there, unsure and confused, not wanting to make an even bigger ass out of himself.

"Kyo... just... please, tell me all of the truth. I think after this, I deserve it."

Swallowing hard, Kyo just looked back down at the blanket between them and then sighed, relaxing into his arms. "One day. I can't... not yet. But... this... this was real?" As soon as Kaoru told him yes, he asked, "And you actually wanted to do it or did you just feel obligated?"

"I wanted to."

Kyo gave a single nod and then curled up closer to him again, burying his face against Kaoru's neck. "Okay...."

It was just how Kyo was. He'd never been good at knowing what to do about things or how to handle certain situations. He'd never been one to actually get things right on the first go. But it seemed that right then, burrowed in Kaoru's arms, that none of that mattered. Even as he closed his eyes and allowed the tension to drain from his body, he realized that even if this was all he could ever have, he'd be okay with that.

**The End**  



End file.
